2015

Just a year ago, I was struggling for my last semester in school, only hoping that i could quickly finish up my school term and score the 1st class distinction I've ever wanted ever since i decided to enrol into Lasalle 3 years back. However, today as i was typing all these in a rainy 2016 morning, i realised that i don't really know what do i actually want for my future anymore. 365 days ago, 2015 was a year i was crazily anticipating for because i would have graduated, find a proper job and began my new life. but today, even though i (more or less) fulfilled what i originally planned for i wasn't as happy or rather excited with whatever i've embarked myself on. WHY. When theres school, i used to place all my focus and priorities in my studies so much that I'm lost now without having anything to study for. i don't know what should i do or go from here. should i continue studying? or should i attempted to get a job placement in a bigger firm like DPA, or RSP etc so that i can get more connections or should i stay on in TST's office, hoping that she will convert me soon, once she got her new jobs. im 26 now and am in the mist of planning for my future with my boyfriend but it scares me a lot. the future. i don't know if I'm mentally ready to put my 101% of trust and happiness into anyone. Im afraid of being hurt and, cheated on so much that it scares the shit out of me and my confidence in the relationship. once bitten twice shy they say. and its true, because the cut that our past gave me left a permanent scar. :s Sometimes i really hate myself and this character I'm inborn with. i dislike the fact that i will read so much into things and then overthink them and make myself feel like shit. for the past few weeks i've been drowning in my thoughts so much that i suspect that I'm getting a depression real soon if i don't snap out of it. on the eve of new year eve, i finally broke down at work. i couldn't help it. this pressure and stress that weighs on me felt sooooo heavy, its suffocating me like crazy. all the expectations i need to meet, all the unhappiness i need to bottled up, and all the stress i got from work is tiring me out. i can see my eye bags getting heavier each day as i force myself to adapt to every single change around me. be it in my family, my relationship or friends. i really need to talk to someone that wouldn't judge and will listen to me for the sake of listening and not to rebut and make me feel more miserable. but the question is who? in 2016, i figured that i should prob start improving myself as a person and focus more on building a better character for myself. in the past i use to set goals like traveling, learning new languages and etc but this year, i should prob try to focus more on something more intimate, like being happy and thankful, being more patient and kind, and also listen more to empathise rather than to judge. oh, also, to be able to listen to myself and do the things i want to do instead of being bothered with everyone else's opinions. i should start to love myself more and start to make decisions that makes me happy. i want to be able to wake up happy everyday, looking forward to work with a bunch of awesome colleagues (that might fight once in a while but thats okay) and then coming home to a supportive family. also to have a bunch of friends that i can both htht and party with. oh oh, and last but not least be in a healthy relationship that actually have trust and 101 percent of commitment. oh wells, i hope, by the end of 2016, no matter where life takes me to, i will become a happier and bigger person.:) be back that person i wanted to be. happy new year ^^